I remember being invited to the party at the home of a high school friend. Although my social life centered around our large and active church youth group, I also had many friends who didn’t come to our church. Most of the time I didn’t get invited to their parties because they knew I didn’t drink or do drugs so I wouldn’t come anyhow.
But this friend had invited me and this friend was different. I knew she came from a good home and I was fairly positive there wouldn’t be any drugs or alcohol provided for high school kids. As I walked home, I wondered whether or not I should go – but knew the ultimate decision would be my parents.
I was 17. I remember that specifically because when I asked my dad about the party, this was his answer. “We’ve spent your entire lifetime teaching you the principles of right and wrong. Next year you’ll be 18 and off to college. We won’t be around to make decisions for you, so this party is your decision, not ours.”
An adult? Making my own decisions?
But isn’t that a goal we have as parents – to train our kids, to teach our kids, to make our children think through why they do what they do in light of God’s Word?
So … just thinking about good ways to do that …
1. Give Bible back-up. What does the Bible say about the situation? Is it a gray area? Is there a right or wrong in the situation? (Some areas really are gray.) The Psalmist writes: How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word. (Psalm 119:9) We need to teach kids what the Bible says about lying, stealing, cheating, bullying, calling names, etc.
2. Discuss the reason for your decisions. Be clear about why you won’t let your child do something. “You can’t go see that movie because … and that goes against what our family does. Remember that verse that says …”
(Of course, there are situations that are obviously wrong and there is no way you would let your child do something. Parents, however, can still explain their decision, but they always have the ultimate authority. Parents should explain, but the explanation shouldn’t turn into a debate.)
3. Give children an opportunity to make the decision. When possible, allow your child to think through what the final decision should be. (Again, make sure this is an appropriate child-decided situation and not something that is clearly wrong.)
Guide them. Have them write down the pros and cons and why they think they should or shouldn’t be allowed to do whatever it is.
For instance, my son (in fourth grade) wanted to watch a popular tv show that all his friends were watching. We didn’t know much about it, but had heard some things that made us hesitate. But as the show became more and more popular, his desire to see it grew. So we told him, “We will watch it with you and then discuss whether this is something you should continue watching.”
Halfway through the program he said, “Why are you letting me watch this? This is bad!” His decision and that was the end of the discussion.
Sometimes we underestimate the capability of a kid. Proverbs 20:11 reads: Even a child makes himself known by his acts, by whether his conduct is pure and upright.Give them the opportunity to be decision makers when possible.
4. Always be on the same page. Kids don’t need to hear dad or mom say, “Well, I was ok with you going to the movie with your friend, but your mom said …” They need to see their parents agree on decisions. (Even if you disagree, disagree in private – not in front of the kids.)
Of course, authors have written books on the subject of teaching kids to make decisions, so there is a lot more we could say. But something to think about – are you helping your kids become good decision makers? What is something you’ve done in your family to encourage them to think through whether something is right or wrong?
