Like all children, I had some definite childhood fears. One I remember was rather irrational and the other kind of rational.
My big irrational fear was the reservoir which we passed every time we drove from town to our house in the country. I don’t know why I was afraid of the reservoir – maybe one time when it was low, Dad or Mom said something about it drying up. The reservoir was tucked away in the Pennsylvania mountains and as soon as we rounded the hilly curve and it came into sight, my heart would make a weird jump. Definitely an irrational fear.
My rational fear was rattlesnakes, made even more rational by the fact that my friend woke up one morning to find one under her bed. We lived in the country. We lived in the mountains. We shared the land with rattlesnakes. So every night I prayed that I wouldn’t wake up to find a rattlesnake in my room. (I never did.)
The thing is – children are fearful of both irrational and rational circumstances, places, people and things.
As parents, we want to comfort our children and protect them from their fears – but we can’t always do this.
Here are some thoughts about children and fears.
1. Fear is sometimes a good thing. We want our child to stay away from the stove because he fears getting burned. We want our children to fear running out into traffic or talking to a stranger because being fearful of those things keeps our children safe.
2. Fears (even those fears that seem irrational to you) are very real to children. One of the characteristics of the fruit of the Spirit is patience. (Galatians 5:22) Sometimes we have patience with everyone else in our lives, but we don’t have patience with our own children. Making fun of them because they are afraid of dogs or the vaccum cleaner (or the reservoir) will not help them get over their fear. We need to patiently deal with their fears and determine what the reason is behind their anxiety.
3. Fear is often generated from watching scary movies or TV programs. A few frightening screen images can explode in a child’s mind to all encompassing fear. Paul wrote that we are to focus on the positive. (Philippians 4:8) As parents of impressional children, we need to a help them focus on the positive, too. That means keeping them away from things that may intentionally scare them.
A bright, happy 5yo attended our preschool. We enjoyed being around him and talking with him. But suddenly his personality changed. He became clingy and withdrawn. Then we noticed he was talking a lot about scary movies. We talked to his mom, but she laughed it off while admitting that there were a lot of scary programs being shown in the house. She failed to see that it was effecting his entire outlook on life.
4. Fear can be dehabilatating. Sometimes children fear circumstances or people they shouldn’t fear. This happens when the kindergarten child won’t get on the school bus or the 3yo won’t stay with Aunt Belle. In these circumstances, we have the responsibility to walk our child through the process (and maybe push a little, too). We assure the child that God gives us courage even for the hard times. (Joshua 1:9). Sometimes that involves tears (and some strength on Dad and Mom’s part to “let go” too.) But these are the types of fears children need to conquer.
5. Fear can cause parents to promise things they can’t really promise. As parents, we want our children to trust us, yet sometimes in the emotion of the moment, we make promises that we have no guarantee we can keep. For instance, say our 5yo is deathly afraid of spiders. One afternoon he’s playing in the basement and suddenly screams as a spider glides across the floor. We remove the spider and in comforting our child, promise that the spiders are all gone and won’t be back. Five minutes later and another lookalike spider comes creeping by. Now your child is screaming about the spider AND the fact that you promised the spiders were gone.
Sometimes we can’t promise that all is well, but we can remind our child once again of the courage we have in the Lord. Now, we can’t guarantee he’ll never encounter another spider, but we can impress him with the courage the Lord can give to handle the situation with calmness and yes, that will take some time. We can’t promise that the plane will quit bouncing up and down in the turbulence or that Uncle Jim won’t die from cancer – but in any situation, God does promise to give us strength to handle what is happening.
The Lord tells us not to be afraid because He is with us. (Isaiah 41:10) That’s the truth we need to convey to our children. (And this is something we need to remember, too.)
6. Take time to design some pictures for your child’s wall. Cut pictures out of magazines, take photos or draw scenes depicting the areas where your child is fearful. For instance, if your child is afraid of dogs, cut out or take a picture of a dog and put it on a piece of poster board. Underneath write the words of a comforting verse such as: Deuteronomy 31:6; Joshua 1:5; Psalm 121:2; Hebrews 13:5; 1 Peter 5:17. Having these pictures and Scripture on the wall will help your child connect the stiuation with God’s Words. (Of course, you don’t want to make the pictures themselves so scary that you frighten your child. Use wisdom in choosing pictures.)
Much has been written on helping kids with their fears, but these are some thoughts to get you started if you are currently dealing with a fear in your child’s life.
