Last night my son came bounding into the family room and asked, “Do you want to do something with me tonight?”
“Yes, I would!”
I was surprised to see my son. He is eighteen and I thought he planned to spend the evening with friends so I was happy to have the unexpected time with him. He beamed when I agreed to hang out with him. It was an expression I’ve had the joy of seeing on him for the past fifteen years. When he was three he would spring into the room and asks me to build Legos with him. When he was eight he was all about sports and wanted to play catch. He still makes fun of me because I once caught a baseball with my mitt turned the wrong way and the ball rolled up the mitt and straight into my nose.
I’m grateful for the times I said “yes” to my son and whatever it was he wanted to do at that time. I’m also grateful for the times I said, “I’m done.” It was not easy figuring out the balance between jumping into the moment and setting boundaries that were vital for his personal development.
I think my son is one of the cutest, most endearing beings on the planet. He picked up on this pretty early in his life. When he was about four he would look up at me and smile his adorable smile and say, “Let’s talk.” Of course this was after he had brushed his teeth, had a glass of water, read a story, prayed and was tucked in for the night. I knew that most nights I had to say no, I needed some time to myself and he needed to figure out how to be by himself and get to sleep on his own.
As a parent it can be so difficult to figure out when to be “all in” with your kids and when to take a step back. They need genuine engagement in their world and interests. They also need to figure some things out for themselves. If we don’t allow them to solve some of their own problems they won’t develop the resilience they need as adults.
Resilience is an important attribute. It enables us to bounce back when we face adversity and to not solve our problems with unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Here are three characteristics of a resilient kid:
1. Connected: with God as well as with family and friends.
2. Challenged: able to overcome setbacks, achieve goals and solve problems. Please don’t fix everything for your kids
3. Caring: understand other perspectives, have the ability to see how their own actions impact others and serve others in need.
How do you go about balancing when to be “all in” with your child and when to step back for their benefit?
What is one practical way you can help your kids develop into resilient adults?
