Did you ever yell (or strongly demand) your 13-year-old “act his age?”
The thing is – often that’s exactly what he’s doing – acting his age.
What we really mean is “put aside all that teen angst, all those confused I-want-to-be-independent-but-still-be-dependent-feelings” and act like an adult.
We’ve all heard the phrase “choose your battles.” Never is doing that more essential than when our kids are tweens/teens and are caught in the web of interdependence – wanting to be an adult (and make their own choices), yet often acting like a little kid (and needing parents to make the choices for them).
And those kinds of struggles are exactly why we, as parents, often react.
So what battles should we choose? How can we react with calmness instead of turning a minor annoyance into a crisis?
First, we need to identify why we’re reacting to our child’s behavior. Of course, there are many reasons. We’ll focus on three.
1.What he’s doing annoys you. This could be anything from …
… his tendency to wear the same holey-sleeved t-shirt at least four days a week.
… her constant giggling with her friends.
… his motorcycle posters covering the new paint job in his bedroom.
Nothing really wrong with the t-shirt (other than the holes) or the giggling or the motorcycle posters – but these things annoy you. The annoyance soon turns into a crisis and the t-shirt, the giggling or the posters become a major source of tension.
A calm discussion could have avoided the crisis.
… you can wear the t-shirt if you keep it clean.
… I’m happy you enjoy your friends, but keep the giggling under control.
… I know you like motorcycles, so let’s compromise. You can put the posters up on one wall and will keep the other walls clear.
2. What he’s doing doesn’t look good to the neighbors. Our pride often gets in the way we treat our kids. We have no problem with our daughter’s skirt (it’s appropriately modest), but we know judgmental Mrs. Jenkins will have plenty to say. So rather than allowing our daughter to wear her favorite, acceptable outfit, we tell her we can’t … and start an argument which turns into a crisis.
Or, when our son’s boss at his part-time high school job offers him a fulltime position after graduation, we argue. Even though deep down we know this is a good choice for him (with possibility of moving up the promotional ladder), we wonder what our friends will say when they hear he’s not going to college like the other graduates at church. So we argue and the tension erupts. The issues escalate to crisis level.
Again, calmness could have avoided the crisis …
… letting your daughter wear the skirt because it truly is modest and appropriate.
… complimenting your son on doing so well at his job that the owner sees a future for him at the workplace – and not letting the opinions of others sway you.
3. What she’s doing is a moral issue, in conflict to biblical principles. These are the issues we should address. They have biblical basis and fall under “training up your child.” These include dishonestly, disobedience, immorality, bad language, complaining, etc. Disobedience in these areas can and sometimes should turn into a crisis – but a crisis we can face with the Lord’s help (and often spiritual guidance from a pastor/counselor/friend).
(A couple of the issues in the first two points could become moral issues if you tell your child not to do something and he disobeys. If you tell your child not to wear the t-shirt and he does, then it becomes an issue of disobedience. But we need to ask ourselves why we’re refusing to let our child do something in the first place. Is this an issue we could overlook? After all, five years from now, what difference will it make that he wore the same t-shirt all the time?)
Paul writes in Ephesians that we aren’t to provoke our kids to anger. Constantly being on their case for non-moral issues (and turning something minor into a crisis) is a common method of “provoking.”
When an issue comes up, we need to step back and ask some questions –
*Is this a biblical issue – clearly addressed as sin?
*Was this an accident and not deliberate? (After all, we adults also make mistakes sometimes.)
*Is this something that can be handled by a simple conversation and not a major child/parent war? (How often is our first sentence accusatory without giving our child an opportunity to explain.)
*Am I telling her she can’t do this because of my pride in front of my friends?
*Is this issue part of training up my child or just something that annoys me.
Raising kids to know, love and serve the Lord takes effort.
Let’s make sure we focus on the “core” of training and not get distracted by the sidebars!
Let’s react with calmness and not turn a minor issue into a crisis.
