4 Whys to Forgive
“Ministry would be so much easier without people.” – Anonymous
This thought comes to mind more often than many church leaders are willing to admit. People make promises and don’t keep them. People sign up to serve and don’t show up. People say love matters and don’t express compassion. People know what’s right and don’t do it. Ministry gets complicated fast when people are in the mix.
But really, without people what ministry would there be?
How Far Does a Failure to Forgive Reach?
If you’re frustrated as a church or children’s ministry leader, most of the time someone else is involved in your heartache. Consider Joslyn’s situation and the ripple effect of unforgiveness.
I thought stepping up to lead our midweek children’s program would be an exciting next step for me as a leader. I love sharing Christ with kids. Equipping them and their families in the faith pumps me up. And, I seem to be wired to help multiply our ministry. The former director believed in me and invited me to get ready to take the leadership reigns. She officially invited me onto the core team last season expecting that I would be in charge this fall. I showed up for my first meeting, eager to jump on board and serve together. What a wakeup call I got that night!
Sharon, the teacher most loved by the kids, and I definitely didn’t get off on the right foot. Was it something I said? What was wrong with my ideas? Did not being asked to take over at the end of summer bother her? Is she struggling with something outside church? For months, each time I served, attended a ministry team meeting, or interacted in any way with Sharon, she made me feel unwelcome and uneasy. I tried clearing the air with her multiple times, but it never got any better.
Sadly to say, I never did take the new director role. I kept trying to figure out why Sharon and I couldn’t see eye to eye. In talking with the core team further, I discovered that she really didn’t like new team members. Sharon was holding onto some hurts from the past that she couldn’t release. And worse than that, the current director and the team were unwilling to deal with the problem head on. Year after year, Sharon kept teaching and the children’s ministry director and team just worked around her. I’m disappointed that I didn’t get a shot at leading, but I’m grateful I didn’t stick around. God has much healthier environments for me.
Joslyn’s experience falls somewhere in the middle of “No way! I can’t believe that happened!” and “You think you have it hard? That’s nothing!” Anytime you’re in community with other people, especially other leaders, you open yourself up to have the time of your life and to possibly get hurt by someone. Sharon was bitter enough to spoil the whole bunch. The director and her team chose to avoid constructive confrontation; a decision that derailed the team’s full potential. In the end, this reach of this church’s children’s ministry was hindered starting with one person’s failure to forgive.
4 Whys to Forgive…for the Sake of Your Church’s Children’s Ministry
The first rule in forgiveness is that it’s ultimately between you and God. It’s about the state of your heart toward another person who is deeply loved in His eyes and terribly wrong in yours. They may very well have sinned against you, but choosing to forgive is different than taking steps to reconcile your relationship. You can let go of past hurts regardless of how the other person responds. For your sake, and the sake of those you lead in children’s ministry, go with God on this one and be persuaded to forgive first.
1. Sin Doesn’t Surprise the Humble
Joslyn made a choice not to let Sharon get under her skin. She didn’t overreact to being mistreated. This wasn’t the case for Sharon. The hurts she encountered while serving in the church never got resolved, in part, because she believed she deserved multiple apologies. When the offending individual didn’t make amends, Sharon shut down and closed herself off from deep relationships moving forward.
Nobody’s perfect. It may sound cliché but it’s true. 1 John 1:8-10 teaches this: If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. This passage confirms what our hearts know to be true: The prideful claim to be sinless, while the humble go before God for forgiveness. If sin, in yourself or by others, is surprising you these days, it’s time to get with God for a reality check.
2. Hope is Contagious
Joslyn’s situation was far from ideal. Regrettably, she showed up to serve expecting the best and experienced the worst. Her hopeful heart was deflated by the way these leaders chose to interact. Eventually she pulled out and now the ministry just keeps fumbling along. Kids, families, and leaders received less forgiveness because unforgiveness and dysfunction infected the core team of leaders.
Imagine how different this children’s ministry leadership team would be if a spirit of grace, truth, and love permeated the group. If you’ve ever been with someone who’s received a second chance, you know how powerful hope can be. Remember when Jesus forgave the sinful woman in Luke 7:36-50? His parable pointed out the facts about forgiveness: The most forgiven love lavishly, but the least forgiven love very little. More often than not, forgiveness begets forgiveness. How would ministry change in this setting if Sharon chose to forgive?
3. Your Team Deserves Your Full Engagement
The church is fully engaged when every participating member is fully engaged. Romans 12 and 1 Corinthians 12 are clear: Each believer is a recipient of God’s grace and equipped by the Holy Spirit to serve in His family with spiritual gifts. Optimal ministry happens when each individual part is as healthy as can be and fully engaged. On the flip side, when a member of the body is damaged, it hurts and the effects spread. This is true for your children’s ministry too!
When spiritual sickness due to unforgiveness enters the bloodstream of a serving team, visible and invisible pain starts showing up. This disturbing truth was plain to see by Joslyn, the newcomer. She mined for what was the matter and learned a lot about Sharon, the leadership team and the director. Being honest about what’s going on is a good start, but it takes courage to deal with issues of integrity. Sharon’s unforgiveness poisoned her ability to be fully engaged. The team’s hesitancy, fears of facing Sharon head on or setting her off, sabotaged their collective impact. Ultimately, the director’s unwillingness to confront Sharon ensured that no one could really be all in, fired up, and ready to serve kids and families.
Don’t let yourself being held back because you or someone around you won’t forgive. Decide today to let go so God can use you for His purposes on a team in a fully engaged way.
4. Ministry Flows from the Example You Set
Churches and ministries too often fall prey to the ends justifying the means. If the Gospel is being preached, why stop the person? The fact remains, the Gospel is lived out in word, deed and character. Sharon shouldn’t get a “forgiveness pass” or a free ride on the leadership team just because the kids like her teaching. It was wrong for the director and the core team to side-step Sharon’s issues. They’ll never know the net ministry effect of the poor leadership example they set.
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32
Fortunately Joslyn stepped out of this situation and into another ministry setting where her passions and gifting fit great. Her leadership in the children’s ministry realm is thriving. Joslyn’s humility and hope set the pace for those she leads. Her Christ-like example regularly spurs everyone on, including herself, to be fully engaged. When people problems arise, she pays attention, handles it with love, and calls forth forgiveness. It’s resulting in multiplied impact in the lives of kids and families through the Gospel. Joslyn’s past is fading into the distance as she keeps choosing to forgive one leadership step at a time. The same can be true for you too.
